Not Dead

Somehow a dozen days managed to go by. I can’t say I was entirely sober in this period but my drinking has taken on a highly functioning aspect which feeds my delusions about how bad it actually is for me. I do feel extra depressed which is normal. I’ve lost my excitement about work, though I keep showing up of course. I don’t feel too excited about anything.

I’m going to go to a meeting tonight. Honestly the meetings here in KW don’t do much for me but if I go to a meeting I won’t go to the liquor store. And that’s the best manifestation of “one day at a time” I can think of. I have to stop spending my weekends here as getting to some meetings in TO could only be good for me, seeing sober friends.

I saw an old friend over the weekend in Windsor (shes not a drunk). We had a good time, no drinking. Of course I lied about whether I was drinking these days – how can one not when one gets the “you seem to be doing so well!” I’m a good liar, to myself as much as others.

I have to get back to work. Trying to feel grateful that I’m employed and more or less healthy. But of course I want more things, a boyfriend, more money, freedom. These things won’t make me happy or quit drinking but thats part of the big lie I tell myself. What I worry about is that I’ll never be happy, or even content, sober or not. But that just leads down the rabbit hole. One day at a time.

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About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
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