I think most people with addiction problems are very sensitive; we can’t really deal with the world so we need to medicate our interface with it. And that’s okay it does work for a while until there are consequences and even still then for a further while, through what can be sometimes a prolonged bargaining stage. But it’s some point we kind of have to quit the debating club, which is just so much mental masturbation. Feels good but you don’t want to do too much of it! You just have to make a decision we’re free to kill ourselves or we can at least stick with the process and commitment of trying to get better, and it is a process not like ticking boxes, or who has the highest score but being on the right path. I understand that now. I wanted to turn recovery itself into a means for beating myself up, taking things way too personally, and of course that’s the ultimate paradox. A life-threatening one.
I haven’t use this blog in quite a long time it seems like about nine months. Recently my dad passed away but there’s been so much going on in my head that I just don’t think I’ve really processed it. And that scares me – I mean my relationship with my dad was good it wasn’t great and there was always distance but he was a very good man. He worked very hard to do the right thing in life and I looked up to him if I didn’t agree with everything he stood for. Of course at some point my cacophonous mind told me that this was an excuse to start drinking again. And recently something happen that could be a kind of bottom the one with the sort of poetic irony in terms of how it relates to my dad and can’t be interpreted as anything except the universe poking me in the eye and saying you see? I told you so.
I’m okay I have my health, it’s not catastrophic in any true way. Things can be replaced, sort of. But no matter what sort of mental acrobatics I employ there’s no way of getting around the symbolism of this thing that happened. And if I don’t act on it it means I truly truly don’t care about my dad’s memory, myself or anything.
So I got to get into a process, just going to meetings and people pleasing won’t do it. I need to find a therapist and I need to talk to friends, to exercise and find some kind of employment or volunteering; ultimately I need to keep busy, and get the focus off me. Because I’ll destroy me as recent events attest.
I wanted like to keep blogging too – sure no one will read this but still I think it does kind of help; it’s like journaling but the whole world could theoretically read it and that gives it the level of accountability that I think is important for us addicts. The universe doesn’t seem so random to me anymore and I think it’s watching.