I feel like I just have a bad attitude in life. I have a really hard time seeing the good in much around me, and a tendency to take anything not going my way very personally. Yes, have we met? I’m definitely an alcoholic… So with these natural inclinations that I have, I am trying to keep myself away from my own thoughts because all this darkness wants to lead me back to my old ways of basically self medicating. The painting helps, though it is a solitary activity and I know that one of the best ways to get away from self is through other people, in particular through concerning yourself with their problems versus your own. But I’m a social anxiety ridden hermit so that isn’t easy for me. To be blunt people either terrify or annoy me, and since that is what I so obviously project, it seem people are rarely chomping at the bit to spend time with me.
I’ve resolved to speak to more people in the program and to get back and do more volunteering. Just to get me out of the house and engaged with people. I’ve heard it is self defeating to give of oneself and expect things in return but I do also think that volunteering is a way of filling time that “looks good on the resume.” Or rather confirms that stints unemployed were not entirely consumer with daytime television and eating proverbial bonbons.
The art is going well too. See below a painting I did from the cottage. Very Canadiana I think. Started working on another one, similar theme but evening shot with all those wonderful blues and violets. Will be interesting to see how it turns out.
Also did some writing yesterday. Read an amazing book a friend lent me called What It Is by Lynda Barry, a cartoonist, and creative muse. Through telling her story, she bring home the point that creativity is not about thinking at all, but occupies a different part of the brain centered on images. Story-telling is about describing things your mind’s eye sees, not figuring out some riddle. It’s made me rethink my writing totally and start from the basis of my own visual inspirations, and describing my experience of them. It’s consistent with the “not thinking” theme which is why it stood out for me. What will work for my recovery may also work for my creativity, a happy lining up of ducks!