As is typical for Toronto, summer hit almost overnight and it has been glorious and warm for about a week now. Flip flops and shorts are the uniform of the day. Helps with the mood, being able to be outside a lot, and to go running and biking more. I’m getting a little obsessed with getting into shape and have been hitting the trails and gym more. I know I’m not fat but have this sense that at 40, unless I really throw myself into it, I won’t ever look good without a shirt on. Thinking about it last night though I realized that exercise really is a good thing, especially if I can put my neuroses and vanity aside. It’s a tangible thing we can do each day that makes us feel a little better about ourselves. And every day our bodies get a bit more in shape. It’s not unlike recovery in that way – you have to take the short view, and simply believe in the long one. And it’s a good tool for my sobriety too. I find the best thing to do if I’m feeling out of sorts late in the evening after a meeting is grab my iPod and go hang at my gym (which is about 50 feet from my apartment). It’s often empty at that hour but I can groove to tunes and futz around with the weights. It gives me an outlet for the nervous energy and seems to help me think in positive ways.
I’m tackling the existential ennui in other ways too. I had the second class of my teaching and training course that I am taking with my friend C. It’s really interesting, learning how about how we, well, learn. Apparently I am an “assimilator” according to the Kolb methodology, which means I learn best from reading, theories, and my own consideration i.e. I’m not much into applied learning or learning in groups. Duh. Sounds just like the alcoholic mind – I want my own special sandbox! I am looking forward to where we learn how to design courses and then we have to design one day of our own course, presenting 15 minutes of it. The subject matter is up to us and I don’t yet know what I will do. But something related to my book, something about infrastructure, would be helpful. I might be something I could use for future speaking gigs.
So I am doing stuff. I have to remember that right now, putting my sobriety first really is the key thing. I always think that sounds like a copout but I know for a fact it is true. When I start dwelling too much on me it’s only a matter of time before I end up with a drink in my hand. And more than anything, I don’t want that. So have faith, read the Promises, and know that if I do the next right thing today, good things will come tomorrow.