Observations on Things and Myself


Okay, I am going to quit it with the titles with question marks. I can be a little less equivocal than that. That being said I’m not totally sure what to blog about today, but I do want to blog, as it has been a while. So maybe I’ll “review” some stuff I’ve seen and read lately.

First I saw an amazing movie last night, called Weekend, probably the best portrayal of the existential reality of being gay today. And a great, but really sad, love story. We can have everything but we can’t really. Maybe it’s me, but it seem to line up with my own sense of what it’s like, something that’s hard to articulate either among my cohorts, or certainly to normies. Anyway, excellent film – highly recommended.

On another note, I am a devoted fan of the site The Fix on addiction and recovery. A recent article by Nic Sheff on bottoming out caught my attention. Nic Sheff is also the author of a couple of great books about his own struggles with substances. In step 1 there is the discussion about low and high bottoms, about how initially the program only worked for “low bottom cases”. I find myself wondering lately about that, well, in combination with a lot of other negative thoughts, like maybe I don’t really deserve sobriety. I could further explore the depths of despair, and you know, just see what happens. I still have money in the bank, and a car I haven’t crashed. I know this is utter, utter nonsense, the ultimately example of “stinking thinking”. The thing though that hit me most about Sheff’s article, was that his bottom was driven by a love affair, one with a sexy rock and roll former actress. I think that is why that movie I talked about above hit me so hard. Love, random and hardcore, mixed in the movie with a lot of booze and drugs. I’m lonely enough to go off the deep end that way too, and my sub-conscience seems to be exploring those depths already. Argh. The good news is that right now I’m among a bunch of fellowship friends in a coffeeshop, and I can see the absurdity of these thoughts for what they are.

After this it’s off to the dentist, then some more writing in my studio this after, and a meeting tonight, where someone will be celebrating their 20 year medallion. That’s probably where I should be.


About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
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