So it’s friday and I haven’t posted here in a while. I’ve got my new space and so have been busy getting it set up and starting to do some writing. I have to say there is something disquieting about having this space; of course it’s very exciting, a dream come true, but therein lies the fix. I feel unworthy. What am I doing trying to write and paint?

I started reading Mario Vargas Lhosa’s Letters to a Young Novelist where he talks about the vocational nature of writing. You do it because you need to; you have something to say. Doing it for fame and fortune is, well, there are many other, likely far easier ways to achieve that than writing. It’s the same with painting; I love to do it, and given the space and time I think I could make something out if it. But it feels self-indulgent. Ack, I need to get over this; be nicer to myself. Ask for guidance.

I have a few months here to do what I want with and I shall. It’s the end of my first “work” week and I feel like I didn’t get enough done. That is the striving for some unrealistic ideal again, and it will get me in trouble. I have noticed recently that I feel particularly vulnerable on Thursday evenings. I think it’s because the rest of the world is winding up their work week and I have this sense of feeling lazy and useless. It’s sort of like an existential dread; I feel time passing and I don’t know what to do with myself. I know it’s all in my head; I’m doing quite a lot, and things that are making me feel good about myself (like this blog!). I need to be patient, ever patient.

I’m thanking God that it is this Friday because my first week was, if I can try to be somewhat objective, pretty successful. I got a desk with the help of a friend who trekked out to Ikea with me. I got the space set up, at least basically (including a Chinese painting given to me from a artist at the arts organization I volunteer at – pictured above!). I did some writing, and had a couple brainstorms, including that I should do some interviews with local experts. To that end I plan to do up a brief of my idea and key areas of interest that the book will focus on, to share with interview prospects (that was another friend’s idea). Today I am catching up on my blog, some emails, and really just trying to feel good about things. Being sober is helping me, simply because I am able to do things. Sure I’m not (yet) putting in 12 hour days, but if that is what is meant for me, it will all come.


About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
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