Past My Prime?


Sitting in the coffee shop on a grey but warm Sunday afternoon. Wasn’t sure what to blog about today. Feeling unmotivated, uncreative these last few days. Starting this week my new space for writing and painting is available and of course I am having an existential crisis. Am I really up to this idea of creative free agency? All those years in a cube when I dreamed how great it would be to do my own thing, and now here I am and feel panicky. What if I am no good at any of this? What if I can’t muster up the necessary self confidence such a life project will take? Am I just taking on too much at a fragile time of life?

I know I need to not over think any of this, or I will ruin a great opportunity for myself. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that. I need to get myself to my office / studio each day and just see what comes. Have realistic goals. Take things one step at a time and not be hard on myself. And most importantly for me, not feel the need to justify my existence to others. I feel faintly ridiculous when I tell people I am taking time off to write, paint and find a creative outlet. That whole thing of trying to find validation in other people’s approval is a big bugaboo of mine. Leads me to a lot of resentments, and that’s not a good place for me to be. I have a little financial independence right now, so I’m going to do what’s right for me – existential grist for the mill, as it were.

As noted before, the world seems more than a little screwed up right now, and I’m finding a lot of solace in a little bohemianism. I lent me sister today the book “Status Anxiety” by Alain de Botton, which is about as close as I have come to finding a personal treatise. Summarizes where we go wrong looking for happiness (primarily assuming external, often monetary things will bring it), and how we could do better (focus on friends, the aesthetic and spiritual fulfillment). There’s even a chapter titled “Bohemia”. I heartily recommend this book to anyone having a “is that all there is?” moment in life. I need to remember all this stuff, when I get consumed by fear, and feel I am past the point in life where I can have the life I want. The thing is not to want it too badly, defer some to my higher power, and to live in the present.


About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
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