Morning Meltdowns

 

I woke up today feeling mostly okay, despite yet another cold. Texted a friend to meet for coffee and as I collected my things I noticed my wallet was nowhere to be found. My mind immediately jumped to the worst. I had been wearing an old pair of jeans yesterday for volunteering and biking around, and clearly my wallet had fallen out of my pocket. My mind raced; all my credit and debits cards, my birth certificate, drivers license, health card were in there. I pictured long days in queues at government offices. Finding a trip to the Bahamas charged to my credit card, and the bank not believing it wasn’t me who took it. I screamed at the cat, threw things, called friends in a panic. I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card trying not to look unhinged (that the teller was cute helped a little…). When I got back, of course, I found my wallet. It was, incongruously, on top of the fridge. I don’t remember putting it there but since I live alone, and happily free of poltergeists, it must have been me. I was so relieved but also alarmed at my reaction. I mean yeah it would have sucked getting various new cards issued, but it wasn’t like I lost a bunch of money, or was in any physical danger.

How I react to pretty normal things is I think a big part of what makes me an alcoholic. I do get unhinged, easily. They talk about this in the program, how we react to “people, places and things”. I am realizing that I spent years trying not to feel these things, drowning them in booze. Right now I would probably be plotting a trip to the liquor store, if I wasn’t trying so hard to stay sober and get better. Early in sobriety we are also told to “keep it simple”, just go to meetings, talk to other recovering alcoholics, don’t drink. Turn it over to our higher power. I was at a step 3 meeting last night where I talked about this concept of higher power that so many struggle with. For me it feels like such a relief to turn things over to something other than my crazy mind. If a perceived lost wallet can have me going down the rabbit hole then the idea of someone or something looking out for me isn’t a bad thing. Emotional sobriety will come, someday; I’ll react better to things. In the meantime though I have to watch out for my scary overreactions and hand it over. Then I may get back to some semblance of serenity, that thing that will actually keep me away from the sauce, one day at a time.

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About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
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