Dating?

20120406-161746.jpg

I haven’t been on a date in about a year and a half. While I was numbing my brain on a regular basis with booze this didn’t seem like much of a problem. It fit the narrative of my abject undesirability, so made sense to my alcoholic mind. Now sober, I don’t know what to make of this aspect of my life. I still have the feeling that no one would have me, but I can recognize this for the kind of thinking it is and where it leads. At the same time I’m kinda terrified of dating, or even “hooking up”, as the kids say these days. People intimidate me, and I still have an unhealthy amount of social anxiety, but I have to admit, without the booze, I am lonely. Nights can be awfully long without a bottle of rye to keep me company. No wandering off to bars either. Being alone at a bar at 1 am drinking cranberry and soda would be just weird.

They say that you shouldn’t date in early sobriety. I can see that, in part. I know that I have to work on myself, and maybe the lonely part of me just wants validation, or a reward for good behavior. I can find company, and people to talk to in the rooms. But it’s not the same. I haven’t had a relationship of any sort in a long time, and I have no sex life. That just seems to really suck, and I can’t stand the idea that it may go on indefinitely. That’s why I put it out into the blogosphere, and I need to talk to some program friends about it. Why do I feel so undesirable and lonely? It’s a big piece of that hopelessness that kept me drunk for so long, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to be patient; something better awaits but right now I’m not sure I believe that.

Advertisements

About Tom Seeks Equanimity

Early 40s gay guy trying to make some changes in his life. Work in field of public transit as a project manager. Do some creative stuff too.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dating?

  1. heatherwatts says:

    Keep doing all the good things you do!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s