I haven’t been on a date in about a year and a half. While I was numbing my brain on a regular basis with booze this didn’t seem like much of a problem. It fit the narrative of my abject undesirability, so made sense to my alcoholic mind. Now sober, I don’t know what to make of this aspect of my life. I still have the feeling that no one would have me, but I can recognize this for the kind of thinking it is and where it leads. At the same time I’m kinda terrified of dating, or even “hooking up”, as the kids say these days. People intimidate me, and I still have an unhealthy amount of social anxiety, but I have to admit, without the booze, I am lonely. Nights can be awfully long without a bottle of rye to keep me company. No wandering off to bars either. Being alone at a bar at 1 am drinking cranberry and soda would be just weird.
They say that you shouldn’t date in early sobriety. I can see that, in part. I know that I have to work on myself, and maybe the lonely part of me just wants validation, or a reward for good behavior. I can find company, and people to talk to in the rooms. But it’s not the same. I haven’t had a relationship of any sort in a long time, and I have no sex life. That just seems to really suck, and I can’t stand the idea that it may go on indefinitely. That’s why I put it out into the blogosphere, and I need to talk to some program friends about it. Why do I feel so undesirable and lonely? It’s a big piece of that hopelessness that kept me drunk for so long, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to be patient; something better awaits but right now I’m not sure I believe that.