I’m back, still alive after a busy, crazy week. Things seems to falling into place bit by bit. During my adventures I met this cool girl, with a bit of a sad past and I sensed we were kindred – drinkers that should not be drinking. We liked to hang out and watch sad videos on youtube over many beers. After our last such evening, which involved things in addition to beer, I texted her the next day to say I enjoyed hanging out but that I had to get back to AA, take things seriously so I was going to meeting. She agreed that we were not “normal” drinkers and that she’d like to come to a meeting. So I offered to take her when she is ready. I’ve been going and I know I can’t put pressure on her but it just felt good, the idea that I, one of sobriety’s biggest f-ups, could actually maybe help someone through trying to help myself. I hope she comes one of these days. I would like to get to know here more over coffee rather than mind altering substances.
Last night I also watched a movie I’d heard about called Requiem for a Dream about drug addiction and the damage it does to lives and mental health. It did not pull any punches, and many of the scenes were hard to watch (despite the otherwise pleasant to look at stars Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly). Even the mother character loses her mind taking diet pills. Drugs are not a big part of my story, but lately, my “research” has involved an “I’ll try anything” attitude and, well, drugs are scary, not just because mixing them can kill you but they take you even farther from yourself and into an even deeper darkness. Maybe call it “Yetsville.” You end up on an expressway in Yetsville, riddled with car wrecks. I’ve only had glimpses of this but I know I’d rather be riding my bike in Presenttown.
Off to TO to see some friends. Glad I wont have to be alone this long weekend!
Took this on way home from meeting yesterday. It was after torrential rain, which may be a sign from the guy upstairs lol.
Somehow a dozen days managed to go by. I can’t say I was entirely sober in this period but my drinking has taken on a highly functioning aspect which feeds my delusions about how bad it actually is for me. I do feel extra depressed which is normal. I’ve lost my excitement about work, though I keep showing up of course. I don’t feel too excited about anything.
I’m going to go to a meeting tonight. Honestly the meetings here in KW don’t do much for me but if I go to a meeting I won’t go to the liquor store. And that’s the best manifestation of “one day at a time” I can think of. I have to stop spending my weekends here as getting to some meetings in TO could only be good for me, seeing sober friends.
I saw an old friend over the weekend in Windsor (shes not a drunk). We had a good time, no drinking. Of course I lied about whether I was drinking these days – how can one not when one gets the “you seem to be doing so well!” I’m a good liar, to myself as much as others.
I have to get back to work. Trying to feel grateful that I’m employed and more or less healthy. But of course I want more things, a boyfriend, more money, freedom. These things won’t make me happy or quit drinking but thats part of the big lie I tell myself. What I worry about is that I’ll never be happy, or even content, sober or not. But that just leads down the rabbit hole. One day at a time.
Another long day. Still sober! More tomorrow.
I’m feeling grateful. Though I am very tired. Work was crazy, meetings, traffic and some one on one time with the big boss even though I felt about as articulate as a dead slug. There was even a flood (no locusts, happily) that I watched out the window of our Mississauga project office. Insane.
But I’m happy I made it home in one piece, that I am sober even though I feel like shit, and that I still have a job that can stress me out. Part of the reason I feel physically like shit is that I’m still only about 72 hours from my last drink/drunk. And the hangovers do last at this age, oh yes. Just my body’s way of saying “why are you trying to kill me”? Can you blame it really?
Meantime I see a friend post of FB that she just did one of those thing where you run and cycle halfway across the Scottish highlands (where she lives). What a different circumstance. I’m not comparing, or being hard on myself, but I bet the elation she feels at doing that is greater than any of my boozy reveries and for her there’s no remorse/shame/want to crawl in a hole and die for her. Just sayin’.
Anyway, did I mention I’m exhausted? And I’ve got more work to do. So signing out sober on day 3.
It is Sunday morning. I slept ok surprisingly, but am still feeling a bit shaky. I’ve read it takes about a month for the physical effects of alcohol to go away. That seems like an eternity, but I feel a lot better than yesterday. I’m at Starbucks as I didn’t feel like being alone. I really shouldn’t spent my weekends here where I don’t know anyone. I need to reconnect with friends in TO who see to be doing a much better job of sobriety than me. That influence can’t hurt.
I found a meeting for this evening. There’s a church on King St up towards Waterloo that seems to have a meeting every night. I have some work meetings in Mississauga tomorrow so maybe Ill check out a meeting in Toronto after.
Just got to do things a moment at a time. I only need to get through each day. I feel oddly numb right now. Things can only get better however. I need to remember that. I also need to call my sponsor, who is such a nice guy but I haven’t called him since coming here. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of people. Anyway, going to go see if I can find a barber shop open on a Sunday now.
I haven’t posted on here in about 9 months but I was just reading an article in The Fix about how blogging helps some people stay sober. I since I have not been staying sober, I figured it can’t hurt.
So I slept all day and ate junk food. Guess what I was doing last night? Yes, drinking; I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. I want to stop, or rather I want to want to stop but I just can’t muster the willingness, or fear, or whetever i am supposed to have. Maybe accountability will help.
Of course I doesn’t help that the drinking often seems fun at the time. I went to a local bar starting chatting with some people including a hot guy who I don’t think was gay but ended up coming to my apartment. I don’t remember him leaving, not surprisingly though I don’t think anything happened. It’s that chaos that I like; I don’t go crash cars when drunk, I just connect with people, or feel like I do. They may be sketchy people but it’s something that i feel I lack in my sober self. My sober self doesn’t even want to connect with people. It doesn’t seem to know what its own basic needs are.
But. The drink is getting out of hand. I missed a day of work this week, including an important meeting. That can’t keep happening. I need this job; I like it. Also my health isn’t great. I feel tired and bloated all the time. I need pills to sleep. I know sobriety does feel great, sometimes. Truthfully better than being drunk. Not always, but I’ve had glimpses of it. It’s like the ultimate sense of being connected, equanimity: it’s a real thing! So here I am at day 0. I will go to meetings, not out of obligation but just to meet sober people here in KW. Maybe I’ll make a friend. Maybe there are even some gay sober people here in town.
I plan to post daily even if it is just miscellaneous ramblings. So if anyone does read this, please let me know. Would like to meet some sober people in cyberspace!